Today we introduce you to Pamela Gabbay, Program Director of the Mourning Star Center for grieving children, a community service program of the Visiting Nurse Association of the Inland Counties. Like many of you who support those who grieve, Ms. Gabbay feels a true calling and connection to this important work. You can learn more about Ms. Gabbay and others like her by attending HFA's national teleconference broadcast next week.
Find a site in your area to view the teleconference.
Lisa McGahey Veglahn
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| Pamela Gabbay |
When Pamela Gabbay, Program Director of the Mourning Star Center for grieving children, a community service program of the Visiting Nurse Association of the Inland Counties – Hospice, describes her path to helping children cope with loss, she says she has “one of those stories.” Gabbay’s parents died a few years apart, when she was in her 20s and just starting a family of her own. Through it all, she simply tried to cope, not really knowing anything about the process of grief and loss. “Six weeks after my mom died,” Gabbay remembers, “I was in a deep spiritual place of sadness and despair, but needing hope and guidance. I told myself, ‘If I ever get out of this pain, I will dedicate my life to helping other people through their own pain’.” And from that moment forward, that is exactly what she has done. She went back to school and began to learn as much as she could about counseling those who are grieving. And then came what she calls the “struck-by-lightning moment.”
Through a contact at school, she heard about a children’s grief center, the Mourning Star Center, that was opening in her community. Not only was she struck by the proximity of the center to her home, but even the name held meaning for her. “My mother had always talked fondly about a boat she had worked on—the Morning Star!” Gabbay said. “I signed on as the first volunteer at the center, and on that first day I knew I was home.”
One of the most wonderful and surprising elements of Gabbay’s work is witnessing the level of compassion and support that the children and teenagers offer to each other. She remembers the conversation between two boys, both of whom had 14-year-old brothers who had died, sharing what their families had each done with their brothers’ belongings. “Watching how the teens make new friends, how they lean on each other and show true compassion for one another, is a true gift,” and is an ongoing reminder of the importance of peer support, Gabbay said.
Of course, supporting grieving children takes much more than peer support. Gabbay and the others on staff at Mourning Star provide a wide range of activities and programming, much of it focusing on how to deal with “special days,” like holidays or birthdays. And as kids grow and change, their needs change as well. As Gabbay points out, the transition is “huge for that 8th-grader who is becoming a high-school freshman without Mom around,” and that same student may need renewed support when facing graduation four years later.
The Mourning Star Center runs concurrent parent groups and Gabbay strongly encourages parents to learn as much about what kids may be facing in grief and loss. Parents of grieving children and teens, of course, often worry that their grieving child may not be doing well in school. Gabbay often uses the analogy of an Etch-a-Sketch, the children’s toy that one draws on and then shakes up to erase the picture. “A kid may be drawing a picture, having fun,” she says, and then when a parent dies, it’s as if “someone comes along and shakes it all up, and all of the pictures and information is gone.” These stories, she says, can often be a way to help adults find a better understanding of what kids may be going through.
These examples can also be very useful when educating teachers and school administrators about grief and loss, Gabbay has found. Just as grief may affect adults cognitively, the same can be true for young people. So a grieving teenager may not be grasping algebra concepts cognitively, and at the same time may be asking the question, “Why does algebra matter right now, anyway?” Gabbay is enthusiastic about the “fabulous, caring individuals” in her local school system and has found the schools to be open about setting up grief groups and accessing the resources that her grief center provides. And she has found that the importance of this not only helps children cope, but that young people will remember those teachers who reacted to their loss in a supportive and helpful way.
When Gabbay speaks to teachers or other adults who want to help children and adolescents cope with loss, one point she always makes is that young people experiencing loss often feel “invisible;” that they feel they are not seen or heard in the same way. Yet she also finds that, while younger children need to be “seen and heard,” teens may prefer that others do not directly address their loss. Gabbay’s advice is to always ask the young person what he or she feels would be most helpful.
One experience that Gabbay has found particularly “amazing—one of the best weekends of my life,” was when she directed Camp Erin, an overnight grief camp funded by the Moyer Foundation. Forty-six kids attended the two –day camp in the mountains, as well as 50 volunteers—“all of whom expressed enthusiasm and interest in attending next year’s summer session the day we ended!” Gabbay recounts. Gabbay describes the arc that she witnessed in the kids who attended. “When they arrived on Friday, they were somewhat trepidatious—they were getting to know each other, asking questions. By mid-day Saturday you could already see a change—they weren’t just bonding with each other, but were actively working on processing their individual grief experiences. You could see a real awareness of the concept that they weren’t ‘alone’—the realization that others understood. For many, it literally added a spring in their step!” By Saturday night’s ceremony, in which each child lit a luminary for the person who had died and placed it in a boat which was then set afloat on the lake, Gabbay said that the adults could see that, “it was as though a burden had been lifted, if even just for that one night.” Many parents made similar observations when reunited with their children on Sunday. Gabbay already has plans to expand participation in this summer’s camp, and the kids at Mourning Star are still talking about it as well.
While Gabbay clearly has found her calling in her work of helping young people cope with loss, she is quick to acknowledge that the work can be difficult. She feels fortunate to work with a strong team at the Mourning Star Center, a team that can “lean on each other in a meaningful way.” She emphasizes how important it is that they can stop for a hug or to talk, recognizing that “it’s okay to be honest and real about how hard it can be to hear these stories every day.” Gabbay also began an ADEC (Association for Death Education and Counseling) chapter in her area. She did this partly out of the need to have a forum for local professionals to network and share ideas, she says, but also because of the need to be with others who, even with “just a look,” can offer understanding and support.
Gabbay recognizes the importance of self-care. A self-professed “huge music fan,” she is sure to attend at least ten concerts every year, and even books passage on a rock-and-roll cruise. One of her favorite activities each week is to “turn up the music, hop into the pool” with her two teenagers, and just “act silly.” These moments help sustain Gabbay, someone who truly feels that “once you find your calling, you can’t stop!
Pamela Gabbay, M.A., FT, was awarded the Fellow in Thanatology by the Association for Death Education and Counseling and is a Certified Bereavement Counselor. She earned her B.A. in Psychology from California State University, San Bernardino and her M.A. in Psychology from Claremont Graduate University. Pamela is the Program Director of The Mourning Star Center for grieving children in Palm Desert, California. The Mourning Star Center is a community service program of The Visiting Nurse Association of the Inland Counties - Hospice.
Pamela is the Camp Coordinator for Camp Erin - Palm Springs, the first Camp Erin in California. This camp is a free camp for grieving children created in partnership with The Mourning Star Center and The Moyer Foundation. Pamela is also President of the California Chapter of the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC So Cal). ADEC So Cal is an organization dedicated to promoting excellence in death education. Additionally, Pamela is co-owner of Grief Posters.com, a poster company that produces sensitive and educational grief-related posters.
Labels: children, grief, providers
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